On a #throwbackthursday, I posted a picture from late 2007 / early 2008 that was of Meg, Veronica, and me sitting in the Comedy Store. I thought Meg and Veronica haven't aged a day, but I thought I look different now. I confessed to Adam that I got prettier (I use the word "confess" because I admit, I felt guilty for saying I think I am pretty -- the "why" is another blog post) and he agreed without hesitation.
So, you can't really tell that I have double eyelids now when my eyes are open, but when I *don't* have them, my eyes are markedly smaller. I've also lost weight since 2007. Both of these I contribute to getting prettier.
Moreso, I think I've matured mentally and emotionally at a more rapid pace in the past 5 years than in the 5 years preceding 2007. And I knew that before I saw the picture. I just never saw the maturity physically, or felt "prettier" because of it. I've been thinking about self-confidence a lot lately. What makes people self-conscious? I am a fairly non-self-conscious person, so when people are self-conscious, it sometimes drives me crazy.
I performed a very non-scientific poll on Facebook, asking people to name what they are self-conscious about. I got everything from Veronica's "what am I not self-conscious about" to Ricky's "a lot of things, but then I remind myself, fuck other people." Sam mentioned his eyes that are apparently different shapes, and Raymond's self-conscious area had to do with unfortunately proving the Asian height stereotype true.
I then thought -- there are things I don't like about myself, but I'm not self-conscious about them. What's the difference? Again, trusty Facebook. These ranged from actions to habits to looks. The difference is how WE view our flaws. I know that was a really obvious epiphany, but hear me out.
I'd like to tell a story but I'll change it so it's unrecognizable to the person involved. I was at a pizza place with this guy, and he spent more money than he needed to on his pizza. The reason he gave me was that people judge you on the type of pizza you eat. I have another buddy who can eat any pizza he wants because he has a good build, exercises a lot, eats healthy otherwise, and has enough money to buy expensive pizza. He always eats the cheapest pizza from a no name place. Not because he has bad taste, but because he doesn't have to prove anything to anyone and that pizza does what it needs to do.
Ha, so I totally butchered the story, but what's the moral here? The first guy judges people on the type of pizza THEY eat. Most people don't care about the pizza you eat. But he has conjured up specific things about people who eat different types of pizza and orders the one he wants people to identify him with based on that pizza's association's qualities. (That last sentence was really confusing, but I think you know what I mean.)
So, how to go from a "what am I NOT self-conscious about?" to a "fuck other people"? I think it all starts with you. And how you view other people. If you're self-conscious about the size of your neck, I'd guess that you focus on people's necks, and think things about them based on their necks, and you admire people with nice necks and don't want to be associated with qualities you associate with people who have ugly necks. Once you don't care about what people's necks look like, yours becomes average. Beautiful, even. And then you don't care about what people think of yours. I don't think it's as black and white as saying self-conscious people are very judgemental about a lot of things; after all, with Raymond's self-consciousness about his height, I'm pretty sure it's not something that people miss easily upon meeting him, but I think one can make great strides in self-confidence and self-consciousness by understanding that one's view of the world very much makes you think of yourself on those same terms. And remembering, fuck other people.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Monday, May 21, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Appetite follows happiness
Since the last time I updated this blog, I've run three times, including a mile+ on Tuesday morning and a mile + this morning. I've started to extend my running route: I do my normal mile and then backtrack. On Tuesday and last week I backtracked to the entrance of an alley but today I ran past that to a stop sign. Last week I could feel my endurance level increasing; even without breakfast, I can feel myself stronger and less tired at the end (allowing me to push even farther). Running still sucks though :X This morning I took a sip of water right before my run and a cramp started forming not too long after I started. I pushed through it. Luckily it wasn't a bad cramp but it did make it difficult to breathe. After my run, I ate a quesadilla, although I think I missed the vital 30-minute window -- I bought vegetables from a CSA and I washed my lettuce over and over and inspected every millimeter because I kept finding bugs in the lettuce. At first I was just taking them out with a paper towel but after I got rid of 5 bugs I decided to just wash again. Gross! They don't go away with just the faucet. They need some encouragement and pushing to get off the leaf and down the drain. That was the first time I spotted that many bugs on the lettuce (tiny little green bugs that were still alive! I guess they can survive in the fridge with all food available). Who knows how many bugs I ate from the other times I ate leaves from that lettuce. I realize that I've eaten bugs without knowing before, but ew ew ew. The quesadilla would have been less bad for me if I used whole wheat tortillas but... I went for taste and saving $0.40.
Speaking of food, I caught myself wandering around in my kitchen yesterday trying to find something to eat when I wasn't that hungry! My appetite has come back. It was gone for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to want to eat for the sake of eating. I didn't understand eating for pleasure; I just ate to not get a stomach ache. It was a chore to eat. Yesterday I found myself thinking about food more often. Just two days ago I could only eat half of my bowl of rice from Chego!! It has been a few weeks since I left my job, and I'm not as stressed out anymore. Turns out I'm not a stress eater; I'm a happy eater! Some people are both hahaha. The stressed out eating I can understand: you're stressed out so you want to eat feel-good food. Happy eating? Not sure what's up with that. I'm happy so why do I need food to make me happier? Well, at least I found the answer to the question I was pondering last month: which is more stressful: being at a job I don't love or being unemployed? Granted, it's only been three weeks, so maybe I'm just in a honeymoon phase and the REAL stress of not having a job will come soon.
I weighed myself this morning: 115.2. Last week I was 117. I gain a couple or a few pounds on my period. I was reading that when you're on your period, your metabolism increases slightly. Not enough for the two In-N-Out trips I made!
I read an article that covered a TV show on TLC about obese pregnant women. I posted an article a while back about OB/Gyns turning away overweight women, so I already knew that OB/Gyns face challenges when it comes to treating overweight women with regards to our reproductive system. There was a video clip that accompanied the article and I don't know how much this woman weighed but they spent 45 minutes trying to stick her with the epidural. They could not tell if it was in the right place through all the layers of fat. They put the needle in her a few times on camera, but I'm wondering how many tries they did total. She was in pain every single time of course!! They eventually decided to put her under general anesthesia and perform a c-section. The c-section part honestly surprised me; I thought they were just going to say, "suck it up and give birth naturally." I've never given birth so it's easy for me to say, "suck it up," but I can't believe they resorted to open surgery so quickly. Or maybe there was something that I didn't see. The article also said that that specific hospital needed wider beds that could hold up to 600 lbs because the other beds could only hold 450 lbs. "Only" 450 lbs!! here's the full article: http://abcn.ws/LZfyvX
I got on the Greek yogurt bandwagon. I don't usually eat yogurt because, more often than not, it will contain gelatin. I read the Greek yogurt label a few times to make SURE it didn't contain gelatin. It's a lot thicker than regular yogurt but in taste there's not really that big of a difference. It's fat free, contains active cultures, and I looked at another brand and that did not contain gelatin either, so it's also vegetarian! That being said, I wonder if eating dairy makes me bloated. I might try no dairy for a week or two (eek Yogurtland) after I finish off this batch of Greek yogurt. Oh and cheese that I bought for quesadillas.
Speaking of food, I caught myself wandering around in my kitchen yesterday trying to find something to eat when I wasn't that hungry! My appetite has come back. It was gone for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to want to eat for the sake of eating. I didn't understand eating for pleasure; I just ate to not get a stomach ache. It was a chore to eat. Yesterday I found myself thinking about food more often. Just two days ago I could only eat half of my bowl of rice from Chego!! It has been a few weeks since I left my job, and I'm not as stressed out anymore. Turns out I'm not a stress eater; I'm a happy eater! Some people are both hahaha. The stressed out eating I can understand: you're stressed out so you want to eat feel-good food. Happy eating? Not sure what's up with that. I'm happy so why do I need food to make me happier? Well, at least I found the answer to the question I was pondering last month: which is more stressful: being at a job I don't love or being unemployed? Granted, it's only been three weeks, so maybe I'm just in a honeymoon phase and the REAL stress of not having a job will come soon.
I weighed myself this morning: 115.2. Last week I was 117. I gain a couple or a few pounds on my period. I was reading that when you're on your period, your metabolism increases slightly. Not enough for the two In-N-Out trips I made!
I read an article that covered a TV show on TLC about obese pregnant women. I posted an article a while back about OB/Gyns turning away overweight women, so I already knew that OB/Gyns face challenges when it comes to treating overweight women with regards to our reproductive system. There was a video clip that accompanied the article and I don't know how much this woman weighed but they spent 45 minutes trying to stick her with the epidural. They could not tell if it was in the right place through all the layers of fat. They put the needle in her a few times on camera, but I'm wondering how many tries they did total. She was in pain every single time of course!! They eventually decided to put her under general anesthesia and perform a c-section. The c-section part honestly surprised me; I thought they were just going to say, "suck it up and give birth naturally." I've never given birth so it's easy for me to say, "suck it up," but I can't believe they resorted to open surgery so quickly. Or maybe there was something that I didn't see. The article also said that that specific hospital needed wider beds that could hold up to 600 lbs because the other beds could only hold 450 lbs. "Only" 450 lbs!! here's the full article: http://abcn.ws/LZfyvX
I got on the Greek yogurt bandwagon. I don't usually eat yogurt because, more often than not, it will contain gelatin. I read the Greek yogurt label a few times to make SURE it didn't contain gelatin. It's a lot thicker than regular yogurt but in taste there's not really that big of a difference. It's fat free, contains active cultures, and I looked at another brand and that did not contain gelatin either, so it's also vegetarian! That being said, I wonder if eating dairy makes me bloated. I might try no dairy for a week or two (eek Yogurtland) after I finish off this batch of Greek yogurt. Oh and cheese that I bought for quesadillas.
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