On a #throwbackthursday, I posted a picture from late 2007 / early 2008 that was of Meg, Veronica, and me sitting in the Comedy Store. I thought Meg and Veronica haven't aged a day, but I thought I look different now. I confessed to Adam that I got prettier (I use the word "confess" because I admit, I felt guilty for saying I think I am pretty -- the "why" is another blog post) and he agreed without hesitation.
So, you can't really tell that I have double eyelids now when my eyes are open, but when I *don't* have them, my eyes are markedly smaller. I've also lost weight since 2007. Both of these I contribute to getting prettier.
Moreso, I think I've matured mentally and emotionally at a more rapid pace in the past 5 years than in the 5 years preceding 2007. And I knew that before I saw the picture. I just never saw the maturity physically, or felt "prettier" because of it. I've been thinking about self-confidence a lot lately. What makes people self-conscious? I am a fairly non-self-conscious person, so when people are self-conscious, it sometimes drives me crazy.
I performed a very non-scientific poll on Facebook, asking people to name what they are self-conscious about. I got everything from Veronica's "what am I not self-conscious about" to Ricky's "a lot of things, but then I remind myself, fuck other people." Sam mentioned his eyes that are apparently different shapes, and Raymond's self-conscious area had to do with unfortunately proving the Asian height stereotype true.
I then thought -- there are things I don't like about myself, but I'm not self-conscious about them. What's the difference? Again, trusty Facebook. These ranged from actions to habits to looks. The difference is how WE view our flaws. I know that was a really obvious epiphany, but hear me out.
I'd like to tell a story but I'll change it so it's unrecognizable to the person involved. I was at a pizza place with this guy, and he spent more money than he needed to on his pizza. The reason he gave me was that people judge you on the type of pizza you eat. I have another buddy who can eat any pizza he wants because he has a good build, exercises a lot, eats healthy otherwise, and has enough money to buy expensive pizza. He always eats the cheapest pizza from a no name place. Not because he has bad taste, but because he doesn't have to prove anything to anyone and that pizza does what it needs to do.
Ha, so I totally butchered the story, but what's the moral here? The first guy judges people on the type of pizza THEY eat. Most people don't care about the pizza you eat. But he has conjured up specific things about people who eat different types of pizza and orders the one he wants people to identify him with based on that pizza's association's qualities. (That last sentence was really confusing, but I think you know what I mean.)
So, how to go from a "what am I NOT self-conscious about?" to a "fuck other people"? I think it all starts with you. And how you view other people. If you're self-conscious about the size of your neck, I'd guess that you focus on people's necks, and think things about them based on their necks, and you admire people with nice necks and don't want to be associated with qualities you associate with people who have ugly necks. Once you don't care about what people's necks look like, yours becomes average. Beautiful, even. And then you don't care about what people think of yours. I don't think it's as black and white as saying self-conscious people are very judgemental about a lot of things; after all, with Raymond's self-consciousness about his height, I'm pretty sure it's not something that people miss easily upon meeting him, but I think one can make great strides in self-confidence and self-consciousness by understanding that one's view of the world very much makes you think of yourself on those same terms. And remembering, fuck other people.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
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Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
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